This was one I really didn’t want to have to write. After all, no one gets into a relationship thinking they will break up…right? With this being a fresh wound, I feel like I am going to struggle with this. I want to convey authentically how I am feeling, but how am I supposed to do that when my feelings and emotions have been all over the place? Well, hopefully, you didn’t come here for tips and tricks, because this is how I have been dealing with a breakup in real time.
I remember the date, time, and where I was when it happened. Probably because I was in shock. I was shocked. I didn’t try to beg him not to do this, even though my heart was screaming at me to do so. The singular thought that did cross my head knew better. His mind was made up and I knew there was nothing I could say or do to change it, no matter how much I wanted to wake up from this nightmare. I did try to get more of an explanation from him as to why he felt this way, but I would have to wait a couple of weeks for that.
Those first few days were torture. I was trying to go through the motions. I told friends and family what had happened and had to deal with telling the story over and over again. I had to go get my things from his house, with him acting like it was just another Tuesday, while I did my best to not break down in front of him. I would spend my mornings and evenings bawling in my bed, wondering where it all went wrong. I made a breakup playlist, screaming and crying through some of the songs, especially Taylor Swift ones. I questioned why I wasn’t good enough and why I deserved the breakup the way it happened. Why was he perfectly fine when I was a mess? Things got better after I finally built up the courage to text him that I wanted to talk.
Our phone call, while it did answer some questions I had, also brought up other things that I didn’t feel got resolved. I brought up the idea of going no contact. I left it up to him for how long he wanted to go no contact. So that’s where I am now…Where is that exactly?
Well…here is where I feel I am. I am trying to walk down two paths at the same time. I know sounds complained right? Why would I waste my time? Here is how I am choosing to look at it. The first path is where I am focusing on myself. I am trying to heal from this and pick myself for maybe the first time in my life. Before this relationship, I always said I would be single for the rest of my life, and honestly, I could see that as a real possibility now. I’ve always liked being alone, so now, I choose to view it as not being lonely, but choosing to love myself, which includes going to therapy and working on self-compassion. Onto the next path, the one where I remain hopeful things will work out in the end. As much as I want to hate him and think he is this horrible person for what happened, I don’t. Believe me, I have tried. I feel that we were good together and that we could work things out if we both chose to do so. I still love him and I know no matter how much I work on myself and try to move on, that’s not going to go away anytime soon. But with how much I would like things to work out, I know we would each have things that we would need for that to happen. Honestly, I don’t know if I could ever trust him again, and that hurts a lot.
I am in the trenches of the most heartbreaking breakup I have ever experienced, one I didn’t see coming. I am trying to heal, trying to piece myself back together, and most importantly, letting myself feel all the emotions and feelings that come up throughout this process. With going down each of these paths, I’m hoping to be at peace no matter the outcome. One last thing about me before I conclude. In break ups, I approach it with the “out of sight, out of mind” attitude. The day it happened: I purged. I hid and deleted pictures through the tears. I had to gather all the memories we had made and put them in a place where I could not see them. I filed the joyous moments in my head into a folder that I only now open if I want to cry. Only time will tell if I will find these again one day and throw them away and close this chapter or if I can laugh and reminisce with him about the memories I dug up and hold onto them forever.
Lost in the Adventure 
I understand how deeply painful and disheartening a breakup can be, especially when you’ve invested so much time and emotion into the relationship. I want you to know that you are not alone in this experience, everyone goes through breakups at some point, and there is always hope for a brighter future.
I was in a relationship with a woman for almost 19 years. Despite our long history and deep connection, we never married because she struggled with mental health problems and refused to seek counseling.
As painful as it is, is just one chapter in your life. Allow yourself to grieve, but also give yourself permission to hope and dream again. Surround yourself with people who uplift and support you, and don’t hesitate to call a friend or family member for support.
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